Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
