she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
