I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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