YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
