And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
