Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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