I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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