Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
