Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
