I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
