I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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