It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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