i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
