When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
