You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
