I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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