Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
