btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
