I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
