I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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