I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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