Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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