There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize