my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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