New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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