You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
