On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
