do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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