Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
