4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
