my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
