The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
