at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
