He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
