Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
