I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
