I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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