The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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