my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
