I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
