I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
