im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
