he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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