Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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