I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just found a bag of teeth...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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