She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
