I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
