I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
