if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
