Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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