i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
