the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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