nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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