he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
