And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
