I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
