He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
