Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
