You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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