Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
