When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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